Pip and Bean

0 comments / Posted by Alyssa Wolfe

Here I am again. It's my third go at a blog. I am sure blogs are a lot like husbands the third time is a charm. I am personally only on my first husband but I haven't heard anyone who has gotten to #3 be disappointed. The first husband is training wheels, the second is where you work out all your baggage from that first schmuck and the third well is just the charm as they say. So here I am a Mom blogger just what the world needs! Another mom blogger. If you have gotten through that entire first paragraph and I haven't offended you yet then this is the part where I tell you I peed in a public pool yesterday.

I had a hell of a day yesterday. It started off like most of my days do on very little sleep. I own a small business making super hero capes and I have three children so my work hours are during nap time and after bed time. While fall is the fun season of picking pumpkins, leave raking and pumpkin spice lattes for everyone else in the northern hemisphere for me it is sleepless nights, a sewing machine, holiday deadlines and steam burns from my iron. I woke up to the sound of children screaming and the almost 2 year old slapping me in the tits and blowing raspberries all over my face. Honestly, that is nothing out of the ordinary but still a hard way to start your day. Charlie, our oldest, has tutoring (she is dyslexic) on Wednesday mornings so everyone was in a hurry to get the usual morning business over with so that she could get down to the office to skype with her tutor. There was a lot of arguing over bathrooms, crying and usual things that accompany 2 adults trying to make 3 children "hurry". All that was in vain though because the tutor didn't pick up and then we had 45 minutes to kill with cranky kids before we had to get everyone to school. I had planned to use this time to let the little kids play together while I shaved all my swim suite areas so that I could go swim laps once I got the girls to school. I have been desperately trying to carve out time to exercise each day so that I don't die of diabetes at 40. I can pack on weight like a sumo wrestler and after 3 kids I am far heavier than I would like to be. However the effort to get myself ready and to a place to work out almost kills me everyday. About the time I am standing with one leg covered in shaving cream in the bathroom sink Brian comes in the bathroom realizes I am in no way ready to take kids to school and throws the girls in the car. I continue to get myself and Harry (the one year old) ready to go. Harry manages to go through 3 outfits before I can get him to the car we lost 2 to poop and one to a full glass of water he snagged of the kitchen table. I get in the car and about a block away from the house when I realize I have forgotten my water bottle- complete turn around. Now an hour and half later than I wanted to be out the door, cutting into valuable nap time, I show up at the YMCA. I walked into the child care that can only be explained as "Lord of the Flies the preschool years" and I think to myself "leave him....he will be's not for too long and these people probably at least know CPR" So I check him in, scan him in, sign him in , put a sticker on him and am finally ready to hand him off when the girl asks for my picture ID.

Me: I have to have a picture ID? Like a drivers license?

Girl: Yeah to pick him up you have to have a picture ID.

Me: You mean other than the ymca pass I have that when I scan it right here it pops up with my picture that matches my face. (this was my first time leaving Harry in child care- we are new to the YMCA -I would also like to mention at this point that no fewer than 3 people walked by me and called me by the name on the YMCA pass and picture in front of this lady because we live in a small town)

Girl: Yes a separate picture ID or you can't pick him up

Me: (contemplating if I do want to pick the little tit slapper up or leave him till they want to go home and by default give him back to me) ok so I can't leave him?

Girl: Not with out your id

So then I turned around and walked back to my car where I sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes and Oprah Ugly cried about losing 2 hours of my life in an effort to work out and still having not worked out at all. That's when I planned my revenge. That is when I knew I had to come back even if it was just to pee in their pool! I ran home to get the ID and when I walked in the door sobbing my husband was smart enough to take the child from the crazy lady and let her go on her own to seek vengeance.

I did my hour swim but the entire time I thought "when I am done I am peeing in here!" I thought about chickening out a few times but my husband was a swimmer and I knew that there is enough chemicals in the pool that I wouldn't hurt the YMCA by this act of vandalism, in fact most competitive swimmers pee in the pool every time they do laps, it would be nothing to them but everything to me feeling like they got what they deserved for making a crazy mom's bad day worse! Then the nail in the coffin. A water aerobic class got in the pool with me. It had no less than 30 women that all had to be creeping up on the 100 year mark in weight belts and flippers. This is when I reasoned to myself that I would not be the only person peeing in this pool today. These broads were old and since I have never seen an adult version of swim diapers (though I do think depends could really corner that market) I knew there was no way some of these ladies weren't going to have a little slip out, old bladders and all. Not all of them could have been good about doing their kegels over the years right? So I let it rip, let it go, and revenge felt so good. Then I hopped out and went to the locker room where I took a shower with 30 old women in the open air shower room. Let me tell you that NOTHING in the world makes you feel more beautiful than showering with a bunch of old ladies! Out of a room full of boobs mine where the farthest away from my belly button of the group.


Leave a comment

All blog comments are checked prior to publishing


added to cart success.

added to wishlist success.



Sold Out