In my humble opinion the classic pregnancy book “what to expect while you are expecting” left out a few chapters. Maybe you disagree with me. Maybe the book had all the answers you were looking for. If it did then you are one lucky parent that can own baby books and never be surprised at all that there is not a chapter on: “when your kid eats their own poop”. I on the other hand could have used that section in the book. Baby books are the most useful before you actually have a real life baby. Once you have one of those little suckers though it seems like all the chapters left a little bit out. Like a step by step guide to what to do with the little thing from the day they pop out of your lady bits till the day they leave for college.
My abridged version of the classic baby book would include these chapters
Chapter 0.1-pre baby aka the pregnancy test. I took 12 and called the hotline with my first pregnancy. Even though I peed on the stick and half of my hand and the little blue + sign was staring me in the face I couldn’t grasp the reality of what it meant. So I peed on the entire box of tests. Then I bought two more boxes of tests and then I called the hotline. The Lady on the other end was amazed when I said that all 12 had a plus sign. Not because she was amazed that I was pregnant but that I had just plopped down 100$ on pregnancy tests that all said the same thing. KNOCKED UP. It went something like this “Dear you are pregnant! There are no false positives only false negatives. You need to stop wasting your money and get used to the idea you are going to have a baby sweetie.” That last bit of wisdom is what the chapter would be all about.
Chapter 0.2-Don’t ever try and take a dump while your toddler children are awake. Repercussions may include but are not limited to:
The other toilet in your home being completely emptied with your favorite purse being used as a bailing bucket.
The screen door may be ripped off its tracks and laying in the middle of your living room.
Your child may cover them self and their siblings in a mixture of diaper rash cream, baby powder, and Vaseline that is harder to get off than mid evil tar and feathering.
Your refrigerator will be emptied of it’s contents and your floor, walls and children will be painted with sour cream and jam.
You child will eat an entire container of hand sanitizer and you will need to call poison control for the second time in a week.
A lot of things you love will get flushed down the toilet and then that toilet will flood your home.
These are a few examples of why as a parent you should learn to hold any bodily functions you have for the hours after 8pm
Chapter 0.3-When you get someone else’s puke in your mouth
There will come a day when someone else’s projectile puke will fly into your un -expecting mouth. There is nothing we can say to make this better other than it has happened to everyone and now you have learned to keep your mouth shut which is a wonderful life lesson in general.
Chapter 0.4- personal hygiene is not that important. You may go for days even weeks without having a shower. To people who sleep a full 8 hours at night this will sound absurd but if you have had 2 hours of broken sleep over a span of 48 hours you will know that taking a nap always trumps a shower. Also expect that your days of showering alone are over. You may have to shower with a toddler at your feet or peeking around a shower curtain. This is normal behavior and if this toddler is in the shower with you and pees on you well that is not a big deal either.
Which brings us to the chapter of pee and poop
Chapter 0.5-The poop- Expect that all adult conversations with fellow parents you will have from now on will be about poop and pee. How much there is, what color it was, what you use to clean it up or hold it in, or that time it shot on the wall. Something happens to all intelligent people when they have children. People you knew that used to have intellectual and interesting conversations about world events, politics and religion will now only talk about poop.
And Chapter 0.6-you will get up to do it all again tomorrow. All the things that “what to expect” leaves out are the outrageous things that really happen as a parent. These things are what no one can tell you to expect because they are not normal and in any other realm of life would be something that would be a deal breaker in a relationship. You would not be cool with Aunt Edna emptying your fridge and covering your kitchen with sour cream and Jam. Grandpa Earl is not getting invited to thanksgiving if he poops in the middle of the hallway every time he comes to your house. The baby books can’t explain the crazy unreasonable love that you have for these small people that continually make your home and life a crazy place. No one can capture in words what makes parenthood worth it. It’s the 2 year old arms wrapped around your neck, the hand drawn mother’s day cards, the sweet whispers of “cuddle with me a little longer”, it’s when your baby says mamma or daddy for the first time, it’s the sticky little finger prints on your windows. I don’t know why that make getting someone else’s throw up in your own mouth worth it but it does it really does.